It occurred to me again, this time in the middle
of procrastinating against studying for an exam
tomorrow. I kept you safe within the remote areas
of my consciousness, but suddenly, as if driven
by an unknown force, your memory unearths itself,
returning some sort of unfinished business.
Consequently, I pause from studying and I start
thinking about you.
And it always left me a touch of sadness.
As far as I was concerned, I made it a point not
to think about you anymore, at least not that
often as I used to, in the form of preoccupation.
There’s a lot of homework to do, friends to spend
time and energy with, family affairs, television,
radio. There’s even a new object of affection in
the rough. Works for the most part, I should say.
Within the confines of my room with school books
before me, there is forgetting.
Just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze
bacteria within their crystal networks. As long
as they remain frozen, everything’s safe. There
is no need to worry.
But somehow, you still manage to permeate my
system, as if it were an expertise or a tediously-
learned skill. Moment by moment, you profusely
enter my mind, filling my awareness with lost
memories of once-upon-a-times and whatnots.
Remembrances of holding hands, afternoon walks,
lunch outs, text messages and phone calls. Of
yesterday’s seemingly unbreakable promises and
proclamations of forever.
I should’ve put into mind what an old friend once
wrote, ‘Forever is not real’.
I have always yearned to understand what had
happened between us. Us won’t even suffice: it
was never a real relationship to begin with. We
just hung out and talked and spent time together
more often than we did with our other friends and
colleagues. Sometimes it pained me that I could
not do anything in my power to make you speak
about us. Certainly, the ambiguity was present,
the ambiguity which you never wanted to clarify.
I could only let you go on with whatever it was
that you desired, whether it be ranting about
your insecurities, rejoicing over happier news or
lamenting about your eventful past. On the other
side, I remained silent in the middle of your
hyped-up emotion. I was like a child with beaming
eyes, eager to hear more stories of how you came
about to be the person that you are. For you once
told me that listening to you gave you strength
to go on, and so I did. I have always wanted you
to be okay.
Yet when it was my turn to be heard, the silence
was a void. I suspended my disbelief when I
convinced myself that you always meant well,
whenever you apologized for there was nothing you
can do about my bouts of depression, or when you
simplify things by saying that everything will be
alright. I know I should not expect things from
other people; perhaps I was at fault when I
wanted more from you when you can only give so
little.
You hurt me. You hurt me many, many times. You
hurt me so intensely I never dared to tell you
anything about it. I was a fool to think that it
was a better way of dealing with things. And
that, I presume to be my biggest mistake: I
abandoned myself. I sought for your happiness
that I forgot about mine altogether.
And just like that, you vanished, very much like
a soap bubble floating across air. I have watched
you in complete awe, wonder and even fascination.
And similar to any ethereal fleeting moment, you
were gone, leaving me clueless as to whether you
even existed in the first place.
So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved you,
and I hope to heavens that you loved me back:
even just for a split second when we held hands,
or during that moment when I looked into your
eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of your
silly quirks. I’d be content with that idea, I’d
be content that in the course of our friendship,
there was a moment of mutuality; even if it was
so quick I never noticed it all.
Perhaps I still do love you, but that won’t do
much now. I can fight to save everything that
I’ve invested, but I chose not to. I have
treasured you in the past, and that will be
enough. Right now, all I can do is wish you well
in all your endeavors, including the pursuit for
the one who is right for you.
The end is only a beginning disguised as a
parting. I will still think about you every now
and then, probably be sad once in a while, but
you need not to worry. For I am okay and I will
be okay under all circumstances. It may take time
for me to love again, but in the long run, it
will be all worth it. I may still risk myself,
but every risk in its own respect is worth taking
anyway. Love is such a convoluted mixture of
emotions and decisions that it’s a matter of
working your way through it.
Thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind,
leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and
furious, affectionate and listless. You’ve taught
me quite a lot and I learned them in the most
humbling manner. Thank you for showing me what it
means to be human, to commit mistakes, and to
discover how to regain yourself after everything
that had happened.
Like what I always say, Ad astra per aspera. A
rough road leads to the stars. I’m on my way to
becoming stellar.
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