Wimbledon 2009

Yeah! I have a new laptop, and so the blogging continues......

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**I just don’t understand how people are sooo afraid to be their own person. I mean, who cares what other people think? Seriously. I’m so frustrated lately with people who do things just because other people are doing them. It’s just so annoying seeing all these FAKE people out there…(I’m sorry if this is offending anybody). I’m serious though…

I hate how nowadays, barely anyone is real anymore. What I mean by real is, well, people with personality…their own personality, and people who don’t just go along with something…people that have an opinion(s), etc… I mean, I don’t know about anyone else, but right away I can tell when a person is fake. I don’t know what it is about them, but normally there is just something fishy about the certain individual. I mean…I’ve realized this - Most of my “friends” have turned out to be fake. Like…many of them have actually done a really good job of pretending….pretending to be my friend…but in reality, they were just fake people, who ended up screwing me over and hurting me over and over again. I can’t even count how many times my so-called “friends” turned out to be fake, but made me think for the longest time that they were real…and fun to hang around. Come on people, in reality…well at least in this present time, it’s hard to find real, true friends…ones that won’t screw you over, and make you feel like shit, and like you’re worthless and make you cry over and over again. Some make friends to get friends and to get something from those "friends"

Let’s just say I can count the number of true friends that I have on a couple of fingers…
*You know who you guys are…thanks for never screwing me over like everyone else and always being there for me.*

Happy V Day!

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My Love for You

The extent to which I love you cannot be captured in words or in a phrase.

It is not possible to count everything I love about you by any number.

The depths in which my soul holds you close could not be measured in feet or any distance traveled.

There is no name, not even the most perfect of names that could justify the love expressed in what you mean to me.

There are not enough words in existence to describe what I feel when you hold me tight and gaze into my eyes.

It is not possible to have a phrase that could capture the essence of my hearts desire when you are with me.

But if there were a number, it would be infinity.

If there were a distance, it would be endless.

If there were name, it would be true love.

If there were words, they would be burning passion.

And if there were a phrase, it would be I love you in everything that I am.

-Jan Ashlee

Stubborn Mind... Foolish Heart

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Every day my mind asks me what I am doing…

Why am I staying in this dead end relationship?

But every night when I go home to my lonely room

My heart takes over and before I know it I am at your door.

Just one more chance to touch you, to look into those brown eyes, just one more chance to say that I love you, to show you that I love you…

I know in my mind that I am not what you want…

If I was, you would be mine… but you aren’t…

If I was, then you would see the pain that you are putting my heart through and you would show me you love me…

If I was, then you would promise me forever and mean it…
But my foolish heart just refuses to move on…

I think during the day that I am going to walk away… that I am going to throw myself into seeing other people and get over you; but at night, my heart breaks at the thought of being in anyone’s arms but yours… at night my heart rules and my head is put to sleep.

During the day I am depressed and disappointed in myself for being weak and staying with you…
But at night it is the only place I can be…

My heart keeps saying tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow… tomorrow will be the day that I will walk away… I storm to your room all full of righteous indignation for you stringing me along… telling myself that I am going to rip in to you and tell you to KISS MY ASS!!! Then you walk through your door and all my anger just melts at the sight of you… All my righteous indignation is put to rest as I listen to your day… All my hurt burns away in the strength of the love I have for you…

I don’t know that I will always be this way… I certainly hope not…

Sometimes I pray that you will run from me… that you will shove me aside and break my heart completely so that I can heal… but for now… my heart breaks with the rising sun and heals with the setting of it… and I am lost in you…

Lost in your smile, in your eyes, in your life and your problems, in your issues and complaints… I love you far more than I love myself and so I suffer through the unanswered questions and the unrequited love and the agony of being last in your life… the agony of knowing that my heart is your home but yours is not mine…

It does me no good to complain because this is a self made hell and if I was half the man I ought to be I would walk away… but my heart… my ever hopeful, ever naïve, ever longing heart…. Won’t let me…

I love you. totally, unconditionally… I love you and it eat's me bit by bit.

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"When you break up with someone you move on. You don't really want to move on... but you have to because they don't give you any choice."

Jan Ashlee

It's Hard to Let Go

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wow i don't know what to say! all the things i've gone through, well... all i can say is that you should not give all your trust, your love and your everything to the person you loved the most. though it seems that you can't live without that person. it would protect you from being hurt to the extent that no matter how you cry it all out and try to get out from that unexplainable pain, it seems that death is the only way out. that is what i feel when i first handled my broken heart. it's really hard to move on and to let go. it's just easy to say but really hard to do.

I am me,

Jan Ashlee