I don't feel like Im living my life. I feel like Im living a distraction. Spending my time and energy on earth, time which I believe is my only time, failing to recognize or possibly even avoiding my purpose, masking my emotions and denying my self. Im not certain that I even have a -purpose-, or eliminating the possibility that such a purpose would be an individualistic rather than universal thing. Nor do I feel that I am consistently able to identify what my true emotions and motivations are. I don't know about you, but the notion that I am unable to define who or why I am scares the shit out of me.
I am constantly nagged at by this feeling of waste. I feel there's a sense of urgency to my youth, to my whole life. I try to immerse myself in as many things as possible. I go out all the time, talk to everyone about everything (I talk all goddamn day), read and watch everything I can, I try to be like this, because Im terrified of missing out. Missing it. Often, I am left with a lot of experience and very little understanding of what it means. Maybe I need more time for reflection, but Im not very good at sitting still.
I dont understand people. I cant understand them. It seems to me that most everyone with any self-awareness at all should be doggedly concerned with the meaning of their life, and collectively, that of life in general. How can one not be? (Although from the blank looks on the faces I see on the street around here, it still doesn't surprise me.) Of course, not everyone has the luxury to sit around and philosophize. I sure don't. I don't mean to suggest that we should withdraw and everyone should sit around eating rice in orange robes until each and every person reaches enlightenment, but not to consider it at all ? Ignore the question ? Deny it's importance ? Write it off to philosophy ? Just for dreamers ? I just try to somehow incorporate these questions into my life, whatever my schedule may be.
Young people, at least a lot of the ones I know, are becoming their jobs. Being defined by their job titles. We are raised to do just that, it seems. Go to school, get a good job, have a family, retire and die.
And Im not saying that sounds so bad to me. Along the way, we become distracted with mortgages, car payments and bills. We try to lose ourselves in drugs and alcohol, searching for a respite, but from what ?
We try to build self-esteem and release aggression in physical activities. And it seems that people are content. -I dont know the meaning of my life. I have no idea why I am alive, but I have a great job. I make a lot of money. I make a comfortable living.- Or -I love my family.- Or -I have a un-hittable fastball.- So what. Isn't there more out there ?
Religion? Whew. Tough stuff. It seems there are so many different ideas out there about creation and the meaning of life. I was born a Catholic, went to religious schooling, made my Penance, was an altar boy and was Confirmed. I went on church every Sunday until I was about 14 or 15. Now, I hardly go, even on the holidays. It occurs to me more and more that I was a Catholic simply and only because I was born into it. It was indoctrinated in me since I was a child. If I was born into another family, in another part of the world Id most likely be of another faith. So, is religious belief luck-of-the-sperm ? Fate ? Religion does a lot of good in the world, I know. It provides a moral guideline for living. Charity and mercy and love. Fantastic stuff. But what is the end result, qualifying for Heaven, an eternal life of happiness. -I know the rules and I try real hard not to break them. This way I can die, and then Ill be happy.- Your whole life is a qualifying heat ?
Government ? -These are the laws you must obey and this is how we are going to arrange things, these are the services we will provide you with, these are your rights and this is what you owe us for this.- Well, Mr. President, I+m very excited about your position on the environment, but could you please tell me why the fuck I am alive ? Do you have a position on that? Are you a philosopher-king? You govern, you try to keep things going and keep people from killing each other and from starving, you perpetuate this forum within which I live, but to what end? And growing up in this world, this country anyway, it gets really hard to look beyond those parameters. We grow up trying to fit in and be comfortable.
The physical necessities are food, clothing and shelter (and sex). A roof over your head and a chicken in every pot. Then there are the emotional necessities. Being in love. Family. Friends. Feeling cared for and caring for someone. Being moral and compassionate (and sex). These things are all wonderful, but what about knowing why you are alive in the first place ? Do people really believe a fat paycheck is the answer ? Or that helping others, a life of charity, is the meaning of their life? Then what is the purpose of the person who provides you with a paycheck, the meaning of the lives of those you help, or the value of a system that puts people in the position of needing a paycheck or requiring help ?
Family provides meaning. Paycheck provides meaning (very little meaning, in my case). Charity provides meaning. But I can't help thinking that the true meaning of life surpasses these things. I realize it sounds a bit ridiculous that I am sitting around writing about a question I obviously can't answer, but it bugs me. There must be more to life than this. And there are so many distractions. Bars and cars and movies and guns and trips and sports (and sex).
The meaning of existence, as it seems to me, gets distorted from whatever it may be and evolves into a struggle for survival, and beyond that comfort. Fuck comfort. How can you find any peace of mind without meaning? (This would be a good time to tell me, if you know.)
Well, is that what we are here for, to get through it, comfortably if possible ? To adjust ourselves, our words, our thoughts, ideas, actions and ultimately our souls into something that fits. Do we simply learn to manipulate this way of being, of interacting and socializing in such a way as to put us up the ladder as high as possible, some being better at it than others?
What if it's all wrong and we are really blowing it?
